To get me through...(from McSweeney's)

Well, it's not yet noon and I've been at work for nearly 6 hours. Normally, I'd be in my home office (bed) til about now. Anyway, I'm here, being productive, surfing the web for content to get me through today's "slow" day. My friend Chris re-introduced me to McSweeney's today, an old favorite. Here's the type of thing that's getting me through:

Hot Emergen-C Raspberry-Flavored Drink Mix

Submitted by Michael Pesant

Never mind the empty bag of Maxwell House in the break room, just pour this potent vitamin mix into a steaming mug of water. Some powder will escape into the air, enveloping you in a cloud of mineral goodness. Breathe it in. The drink looks like Star Wars, but the taste is a berry tea. Allow the soothing warmth of your fruity libation to ease you into the day.

As you sip, seven mineral ascorbates blast into your bloodstream with the veracity of a seasoned woodsman. Guess what? You just got 15% of your recommended daily intake of magnesium, 13 % of your Zinc, and a cool quarter of your Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Manganese, and Pantothenic Acid. Feel your cells tingling as they absorb 417% DV of Vitamin B12. Take ten deep breaths. You've just ingested over sixteen times the amount of Vitamin C considered reasonable by leading experts.

Can you feel it? You've left the mere mortals behind. You're now a superhuman entity. Feel free to roam about your office bathroom sans the usual facemask and gallon of anti-bacterial sanitizer. Let your hand linger on the toilet handle. Drink heartily from the coughs and sneezes of your coworkers; kiss them where they pee. Challenge your bolstered immunity. It will not be denied.

Try moving something with your mind. Nothing major, maybe just that empty desk. Some light telekinesis. It moved. Did you see it? I thought you did.

Have you defied the laws of physics? No. You're tripping balls on non-essential minerals.

Good morning, World.